A Thousand Winds That Blow
by beware-of-weeping-angels
Summary: Having him in my arms for those few brief seconds is better than never having him in my arms again. Even if he isn't real.


**Disclaimer: Don't own a thing, but I really wish I did……**

His body is soft against mine, and I can't help but think that this is perfect, that he's mine and only mine. That as many lovers as I've had, he's the perfect one, the one that I can live with forever, the one that I won't be able to live without.

His lips are soft against my neck, searching and nipping, licking away any pain that he causes me.

My hands tighten around him, one hand gripping his waist and the other runs through his hair. "I love you Ianto."

I can feel his smile against my neck, his kisses become more insistent, and I can't say no to him. His lips pull away for a second, and I want to pull him back. I want to feel his lips on mine, his hand in mine.

"Don't stand by my grave and weep, for I am not there; I do not sleep."

My eyes jerk to his, I don't understand. "Ianto,"

He shakes his head, "I am a thousand winds that blow," his lips find mine again, making all thoughts disappear, leaving me with only him.

His lips pull away slowly, still touching mine. "I am the diamond's glint in the snow; I am the sunlight ripened grain."

I lock my eyes on his, resting my forehead against his. "Ianto, please, don't."

But he shakes his head and continues on, "I am the gentle autumn's rain, in the soft blush of the morning light; I am the swift bird in flight." He presses a quick kiss to my lips before finishing, "Don't stand by my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die."

I pull his head to me, looking into his eyes; "Don't say that, don't you dare say that, Ianto!"

He isn't fazed by my anger, doesn't even blink, he just presses another soft kiss against my lips. "You know what you have to do, Jack."

I pull him to me again, burying his face in my neck and mine in his. "Don't, don't Ianto. Please, don't."

He moves, kissing my hand. "You know what must happen Jack."

I shake my head, because no. I'm not going to let it happen, not going to give up on him.

"I love you Jack, forever and always."

I let out a soft sigh, tightening my hold on him; I'm not going to let it happen.

I kiss him, strong and passionate, anything to make him stay, but even as I kiss him I can feel him start to fade.

And when I open my eyes, I'm alone.

He's gone and I can feel tears start to prick at my eyes, because as much as I wanted him to be real, to be mine again, he's gone.

And I knew this when I woke up with him next to me, but……he can't be gone.

I reach out to touch where he just was but the bed is cold on his side. He wasn't in my arms, hasn't been in weeks, because he's gone.

And he wants me to forget him.

But I can't.

I won't ever be able to forget about him, my Ianto. And the fact that I know he's going to be everywhere I look I'll see him. I'll see him in the bay, all the nights we watched the skies, all the times we made love looking out over it. I'll see him in sun, his face upturned to catch the warm rays, and I'll see him wrapped up in my blanket, walking around in the Hub with nothing else on. Every time I see a gun, I'll think of how _hot_ he looks with it in his hands, how I love the way he handles it, handles _me_.

And I'm not ready to give that up yet. I'm not ready to give him up.

I run my hand against where he should be, on the left side of the bed. Its cold, and the sheets are perfect, he was never there.

God, it's never hurt this much before. All my other lovers, Alice's mum, I've always been able to leave them, watch them gone, I _knew_ that they were going to die one day, but Ianto. Ianto dying was never an option, not for me.

I curl up under the blankets, searching for warmth even though I know I'll find none. I close my eyes, praying to a god, any god that he'll be there when I wake up again. Because having him in my arms for those few brief seconds is better than never having him in my arms again.

Even if he isn't real.

I am a thousand winds that blow,  
I am the diamond's glint in the snow,  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,  
I am the gentle autumn's rain.  
In the soft blush of the morning light  
I am the swift bird in flight.  
Don't stand by my grave and cry,  
I am not there,  
I did not die.

**Poem is by Mary Elizabeth Frye**


End file.
